Whatcha running from... or is that "to"?

It's funny what spurs the thought process on sometimes. It can be something small, like a fleeting glance of someone from the past. It can be a huge event, like holidays, births, weddings, etc.. Or it can be the loudest silence ever heard. That's where I'm at today.

Seems there are questions in life that must go unanswered because people aren't inclined to share information, or they just don't know how to share what's going on inside their heads or their hearts.

I'm not sure I get where the issue begins... childhood, trauma, or indifference. History being what it is, I understand the reluctance, but don't condone it. Truamatic events in one's life are a tragedy, but the healing has to begin somewhere. Indifference, however, kills... it kills the spirit, kills the soul, and kills the passion others have in life.

So the questions I'm asking myself are, "Where's the silence coming from?" and "Am I really hearing nothing, or am I missing the message somewhere?" More concerningly, "Do I even care what the message is?"

For my sake, here's hoping the last point of questioning is 180 degrees off the mark.

I'm coming up on this weekend's Chicago Rock 'n' Roll half marathon with a HUGE mental block... so many unanswered questions bounce uncontrollably inside my head. I struggled with the "voices" at last weekend's Heart of Detroit 10K, and still managed to get my act together and finish strong. But Chicago holds my heart in a special and truly scary way; it's the site of my biggest "failure" in my running "career", if you will, and I find myself terrified of the outcome there.

Last year's fiasco resulted in serious leg cramps leading to some deceleration trauma as I bonked and plastered myself into "the wall" at a speed comparable to 15 minutes faster than my personal best in the half (do the math right and I'll buy you a drink). Chicago also provided me the need (which I ignored) for medical attention, and a list of about 14 "never again's" for a race weekend. That list is scrolling through my head like the credits of a long movie... all sorts of recognition, albeit after the fact, with the hope I'll see something I've missed and have an ephinany like, "Whoa, where'd that come from?"

I've had a year to review, break down, rebuild, and rehearse to avoid the same disaster, and now here I am, six days from race day, and I can't clear my head to save my life. Why is my already feeble mind congested this way? Where is the disconnect? When will the noise subside?

Is anyone else hearing this?

Something's missing in my life, something bigger than I've experienced in recent memory. My son's been gone for a month now and I get him after the race, but I've acknowledged his absence and been blessed with many a long phone call from him over the past 10 days, so I'm thinking (using the term loosely here) that his trip to just east of the Mississippi is NOT what has me twisted like cheap Christmas lights taken down and boxed in haste.

I'm missing answers to questions I've asked myself 100s of times, yet when I try to focus,the questions disappear, leaving only the dead, white noise of public television which signs off after the National Anthem at 2 a.m.

I'm missing... maybe that's it... I'm just simply "missing." Missing like an automobile engine with a bad spark plug. Missing like most major league batters swinging at a Justin Verlander 100 MPH fastball. Missing like... like... DB Cooper?

Missing...

I think I better find something... quickly... because what I'm not missing is the chance to redeem myself in Chicago this year.

I wonder if what I'm missing is the sense that I'm being heard... but by myself? Ludicrous at best... so if not me, then by whom?

The scariness just set in again.

Peace, love, and Windex... something needs to clear the haze off the looking glass of life.